yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
