I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
