I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
