It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar