you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony