so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.