That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.