just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
