Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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