This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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