In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
