I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This is the high leading the old right now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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