My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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