How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm passing your future prison.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
