i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
