Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
