So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
