1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
