Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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