mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
