Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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