i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
