I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
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I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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