I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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