Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
People in love make me want to vomit
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing