My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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