meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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