Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
