I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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