Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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