mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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