So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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