I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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