never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
