Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
