Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
