Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
