So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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