Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
