I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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