My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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