She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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