my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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