my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
