Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
