You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You pole danced in your parka.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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