Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
