I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
