I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
