i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
