You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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