Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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