Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
