I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
