so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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