Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Sponge bath it is.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize