I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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