I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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