Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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