I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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