I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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