who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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