call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
