my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
