I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
